Explosions and ashes.

Currently, I am in a state of mess where my foundational state is "okay" with sprinkles of laughter, happiness, sadness and whatever else.

As I was devouring the scrumptious meal that Soka always prepares for us. A new acquaintance at dinner told me that I appear to be in tune with my emotions.I didn't know if it was a truth or an illusion. Technically, I am in touch with my emotions, I know what's going on, I am okay through it all so yes that makes sense. But at the same time, I do not really know how to go about all of them. I literally imagine myself standing in the middle and all around me everything is either going up in explosions or already has. And there I am standing there in the middle watching it all fall apart and fall to the ground as I try to make sense of it.
I feel helpless and strangely powerful. I really do not know... I just do not know whatever is going down, I am unable to fully/truly comprehend the pieces that are falling apart or even the ones that were whole to start with. But the fact that I am still standing in the middle and not completely exploding and falling apart with everything makes me feel powerful - I feel strong. There's so much going on in myself - my body, my emotions, my mental state, my social state and my personal state all seem strange and are having their explosions. But here I am, still going through the day trying my best pick up the mess and make sense out of all the chaos I am surrounded with. This gives me strength, I feel relatively strong in a rather helpless state.

I don't know who to turn to, but I do not know if I want to. I have tried and it hasn't worked out, but I guess this is how it is supposed to work out. All of this chaos, perhaps this is for me to figure out on my own as I have been always. And there is a certain power, certain strength in that.Rightly, I am not great, I am not floating on cloud 9 let alone loud 5. However, I am fine and I am okay. That gives me contentment. I feel sick in the stomach [literally] and I teared up over my eggs not being done right because nothing in my life seems to be going right ~ however, I am fine and I am okay. The little and big successes like getting my taxes and some of study abroad stuff done or be being able to get breakfast are keeping me going. I am embracing all the little packages that are coming my way, I am celebrating them in my head because I know even though I am surrounded by explosions, ashes and chaos ~ I shall prevail. I know, that this too shall pass. I know, if I keep going I will emerge victorious and content and I can have a little party in my head with music, dancing and lots of art celebrating just that.

I am fine. I am okay. It's not great but it's fine and I am content. It's too much pressure trying to pursue being on the highest highs of my existence and being anyway. There's no shame in not sharing the upped energy as everyone else. It is important to be able to enjoy those packages of laughter and happiness whenever we can though. It is important to just pause and breathe. Yes, maybe and definitely we haven't made sense of all that prevails around us but at least we are trying and we are here. The solid ground around me may be grey, but I am finding my spots of color within it as I make progress.
It's all explosions and ashes.
But, I am okay and so it shall be.

This picture by Ray Collins really speaks to me and how I am feeling. I love it!






P.S. Writing your feelings is such a great way to feel better. It's really therapeutic and it helps you release some of the angst or negative energy that is holding you down. I feel much better right now and my head is a bit clearer. Obviously none of my mess is cleaned up, I am still where I was, but now I can face is clearer and stronger. Yes!

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