Finding myself in you

Over the years, there is one truth that I have ascertained – I am my best friend.  Regardless of where I am, who I am with, what I am doing or how I am, it does not matter if I recognize it or not but I am always there for myself. As far as I would like to stray away from me, as professionally as I would like to hide myself, away in comfortable corners, no matter who cares enough to follow – I will be there whether I like it or not.

Growing up, finding myself separated from the crowd of children desperately trying to fit in and trying to create friendships I had read about in books, I often felt lonely. I let myself lose in the words and worlds of Enid Blyton and Roald Dahl. I would write stories of worlds far away in my fantasyland where magic existed and love and peace triumphed. In these lands, people sang and danced in the town center with cobble stone paths and beautiful little cottages. There, the citizens of the beautiful landscape cared of things beyond themselves. We had beautiful green hills that turned a lovely rusty yellow in the fall, there were gardens with fresh scrumptious food, mythical creatures hung around and there was always a sunny day and magic to fall back on. However, the best about this land was that the people were imperfect, we did not always get along or make sense but our imperfections humbled us. Regardless of what we lacked or what we thought we lacked, we were there for each other in the best of our capacities. Friendship flourished. NEVERTHELESS, this was all fiction – fragments from the imagination of a child that wanted to make the world a better place and find her place in the myriad landscape of life that she did not quite get. This was all in the head of a little girl who just wanted even that one friend she could truly depend on and create a beautiful world of their own with. Instead, quite obviously, this child just ended up being teased for all the places her imagination took her and in the end; she was left with the name “Fantasy.” Bullied, with ‘friends’ but inherently still alone.  

I told myself and my mother that I would find true friendships – I never stopped and I never do. I read, saw and heard of these companions that were always there for each other. They could always count on each other to share and KEEP silly secrets. They would not let you/make you feel secondary to themselves just because maybe they got better grades or they had a line of people following them for friendship. You knew you were special. They would be kind and you would be to them. They would knock some sense into you when you were desperately lacking it and most importantly, you would grow together into better version of yourselves.  

Not surprisingly though, after facing so many roadblocks and failed attempts towards creating those friendships the heart hardens a bit. I did not always have people to fully depend on; they would always end up breaking my trust somehow, moving away or just being mean little kids. I persevered in my efforts to keep my hopes up and create meaningful friendships but every time I faced a hiccup, it seemed more and more normal. This carried on to the point that now I find solace in glimpses of those friendships where I find them. I still desire the same thing, but I now know that it is a beautiful reality that some people are lucky to find, but not necessarily others, and that is fine. It is kind of like those love stories where the flame still gives warmth at 70, even after years and years of togetherness – I have heard of it first-handedly once and it is more the exception than a rule. I guess, this is what has refrained me from using the term “best friend” – maybe it means too much to present it to anyone or maybe it means little since it is a rare find.

However, I have found, as I mentioned earlier that I have myself. When I was excluded from games, when I gave and I gave and I gave hoping to get acceptance, when I fought with my parents or had my first crush – I had myself. The days in college when I couldn’t get out of bed because I felt so weak that my fingers shivered and the sunlight blinded me – I somehow eventually got myself out of the little hellhole and treated myself with fragrant essential oils, chips and ice-cream. The days and moments when I was excited for things no one could understand – I did and I had the comfort of knowing that if all else fails that I will always have me and that is the way it has been. I have always had a part of me to go back and forth with to try making sense of things – the same myriad landscape of life. I have had myself to cry with and smile with remembering things from the past or living in the present. Most importantly, I have myself to understand me in ways no one ever will – my contradictions, my explosions, my tastes, my desires and my love. A lot of times I have music playing in my head that I am dancing to or walking to. I have these realizations that completely change the landscape of my life – “it is okay to be selfish, I am selfish aren’t we all?” “It is okay to want to do you” “Relax. Breathe.” “This is not a part of your life anymore, it is okay to let go” “I know this is scary, I am shit scared, SHIT” etc etc. I have learned to deal with things on my own since my parents always pushed on being emotionally strong, anything else started to seem… weak. I am independent – in the end I somehow I figure it all out and for me the less outside help I need the more comfortable I am. It is funny how things work out.

I am independent but maybe too much. I cannot relinquish control. I desire to create these vulnerable connections but I am so guarded and self-sufficient. It feels like the end of the world asking for help… “I need some help.” Eojiopiwjeuiwhrindjkniu398u0012092-0090@)!@)(!@*)!(*@Mki,9@#!)(I!!! It is my Achilles heel. I open myself up to certain people but if in some moments I sense danger I go running back into my rabbit hole and tell myself I can do this by myself, other people have their own stuff to deal with anyway. I still do try though. I try to find the friendship I can give myself in others hence the ‘finding myself in you.’ Every time I do let people in and I get hurt, it gets harder to be that open again. “I can do this on my own. Who needs a relationship too? I will be a single mom oh yes oh yes. I can do it all.” What an idiot, trying to persuade myself that I am not a social being that does not need even that one person. I know I can do it all, I believe my strength lies in the fact that I do not necessarily need other people to do life, but how it makes things easier to just let go…

In the current landscape of my life, there is one person outside of myself I can get myself to really call my best friend, this person has obviously come closest to what I can give myself. Holy crap. The struggle it has been to let this person in through the maze and let them see little by little the scars and the beautiful flowers I hide. It has been so crazy difficult relinquishing some sense of control as I leave myself vulnerable out in the open fields of human connections with little sand castles for walls. Even now saying I need help is the biggest ordeal I face. If I get super discouraged I burry myself deeper into my burrow, but I try again. I think that is commendable enough. I think I play it safe when I bring my bestfriendhip to myself because then I am giving no one the power to cause any pain or disappointment. The little me would be a little sad to see the condition I have created for myself, but I know she would understand.

At the end of the day, I just want to be loved and feel comfortable in the presence of another human being. I just want to know that they are capable of loving me not just when I am happy and self-assured but also when I am sad and weak. It is not that hard to be friendly with me when my face glows with a smile on my lips; I am cracking jokes or sass statements or just having fun. It must not be that hard because I do have a lot of people I am friends with, they must be seeing something. It is hard to love me when I am not all of those things though, and for those who cannot I understand but I also do not like false promises. When and if I do let go to you, in whatever degrees that may be, just know how hard that has been for me and that I must trust you. Maybe not in the full all in ways, but I do trust you and I will be there for you because I know how those dark lonely days feel like. I have a lot of love and friendship to share. If [and when] this one bestfriendship does go up in flames, as it seems to be fading a bit, I know I will hide out in my corner behind big castle walls surrounded by moats and drawbridges. However, I will hope it does not come to that and if it does, I will tell myself to be strong. I still believe in magic. Relinquishing control is not easy but it is beautiful. It is beautiful just being able to fall back on somebody, somebody who hopefully knows how to love you when you are sad because that is SO important. It is beautiful letting yourself in the sunshine and let its warmth play with your skin, yes there may be a possibility of a sunburn but hey the feeling is beautiful. 

Letting people in makes us less lonely. 

Because even if I have myself to be my best friend, it is still just me and eventually it can get a little lonely.